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The female orgasm algorithm: coming soon?

“Well, did you, you know?” has been a post-coital quiz from insecure sexual partners since the female orgasm became a widely-acknowledged phenomenon.

Well if one outlandish software firm gets its way, there’ll soon be no need to ask. A company called Relida Limited reckons it has developed an algorithm that can “validate an authentic female orgasm,” making it possible to tell whether she faked it.

The firm reckons that until now “there is no evidence and proof of female orgasm” (ummm?) and no way for a partner to be sure she’s had one. The company reckons it has identified a pattern in the elevated heartbeat is the telltale sign The Big O has indeed transpired.

The existence of this algorithm was brought to light by sex toy-maker Lelo, who was pitched the software as a means of helping it improve it their devices. Stu Nugent, the brand manager for Lelo, shared stills from an unsolicited presentation he received from Relida and has, somewhat humorously, shared his thoughts on the matter.

He told HuffPost UK: “I was stunned. I had to do some background to make sure it wasn’t a prank, and having discovered it to be absolutely, unashamedly real, I would have much rather it had been fake.”

“Why is ‘female orgasm’ written in a different font, like it was copied and pasted from Wikipedia? Why did they make up the statistic that ’26-74%’ of women have faked an orgasm? Why are there snails [on the presentation]? Why, and I feel I can’t stress this enough, are there snails?”

When quizzed by the BBC, a spokesperson for the firm said: “An orgasm may be identified with heart rate as it has a specific pattern when climaxing.”

They claim it was created by women “looking for the well-being of other women” and that the company “never wanted to sell this algorithm directly to women or men. Indeed, this is a too sensitive a subject, and information that could create additional pressure on women.”


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