Seductive lighting, check. Scented candle, check. Mood-setting music, check. Penis-mounted activity tracker, wait, what?
Those amorous evenings in with your partner could be about to take a techy twist, with Lovely, the performance-tracking wearable sex toy now seeking backing through Indiegogo.
Keeping tabs on your bedroom antics,
Playing host to more sensors than your average smartwatch, collected data is seamlessly transformed into all the detailed metrics you’ve never wanted for an Alan Hansen-esque post-coital analysis.
From calorie burn and duration to orientation, force and even top speed (yes, really), Lovely will help you monitor all of the ins and outs (and ins and outs) of your afterhours antics.
For those who aren’t already self-conscious enough about their prowess between the sheets, Lovely will even offer pointers on how to improve the experience (for both parties) next time around.
Example points include: “Hi Greg! You did great last time and it seems that Ann really enjoys that ‘69’. Here are some suggestions for more oral stimulation…”
With a catalogue of 120 positions to guide you through, we’re really hoping there’s no ‘social’ button to let you post your top scores to Twitter and Facebook.
Further bigging up the cock ring’s techy nature, the device’s makers have revealed the washable unit can be wirelessly recharged thanks to an inductive charging cradle.
Related: Oculus opens the door for VR porn
Despite getting a rise out of many, Lovely’s crowdfunding efforts are currently looking a little limp.
The $129 (£85) unit has currently raised just $4,352 (£2,852) in its three days since launch. It has 33 days left to hit its $95,000 (£62,000) goal.
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Editorial independence
Editorial independence means being able to give an unbiased verdict about a product or company, with the avoidance of conflicts of interest. To ensure this is possible, every member of the editorial staff follows a clear code of conduct.
Professional conduct
We also expect our journalists to follow clear ethical standards in their work. Our staff members must strive for honesty and accuracy in everything they do. We follow the IPSO Editors’ code of practice to underpin these standards.