Nokia Launches Latest Pretentious 8800 Handsets

*sigh* and *sigh*

Aside from any handset made by Bang & Olufsen, there are very few mobile phones I dislike more than Nokia’s poorly specced, ugly, heavy, outrageously expensive *breathe, breathe* 8800. So ”oh goodie”…

Today sees the Finns launch the ‘8800 Arte’ and ‘8800 Sapphire Arte’ with such preposterous prose as:

”The Art of Seduction …Begins with knowing your own essence” (which sounds – quite frankly – unhygienic) and continues with such conceited nonsense like ”It often takes a very tender touch… Surfaces conceal – yet many also attract. Certain sounds suggest a secret world. Explore the mysteries of the other”

Really get back to your Mills & Boon and ”’give me a break”’.

Ultimately however what all these literary aberrations aim to achieve is to disguise the fact Nokia is trying to charge you 1,000 euros for the 8800 Arte and 1,150 euros for the 8800 Sapphire Arte ”before tax” for two fashion handsets which measure 109 x 45.6 x 14.6mm yet weigh an incredible 150g.

Both claim to have 3.2MP cameras yet only output images at 1600 x 1200 pixels (which was 2MP last time I checked) and capture videos at a laughable 177 x 144 pixels. The screen isn’t much better either at just two inches and with a bog standard QVGA resolution. Think perhaps you’ll get good battery life with all these watered-down features? Think again, talk time is quoted at a measly three hours. How about the audio? Prepare to buy an adaptor because there’s no 3.5mm jack, instead it’s outputted through a microUSB slot, not even the more common miniUSB.

Where is the shining light in all this superficial madness, I hear you cry. Well, it certainly isn’t in the bundled travel charger, Bluetooth headset and desk stand, nor the bulky carrying pouch which will push the weight of both handsets over 180g and beyond most smartphones.

No, for me, the sole plus side comes in the shape of ringtones from Austrian DJ maestros Kruder & Dorfmeister (and which also plays on the models’ homepage). Yes, you can make your own ringtones using K&D and put them on any other phone on the planet, but that’s not the point – the point is here they are provided ”for you”.

Maybe that isn’t the point, maybe the fact they have metal bodies making them heavy, inconvenient ”and” easily spottable to potential muggers is the point. Maybe the point is the carrying pouch is made out of leather. I dunno, I give up.

Ultimately, if you have more money than sense, check out the links below.

Press Release
Product Page At least has K&D music

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