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Bauer Power


On June 30th this year the greatest super hero of them all returns. Superman, the Man of Steel will once again soar back into majestic view on our cinema screens, apparently after a ‘mysterious absence of several years’.

And you know what? He might as well pack up and go home. Why? Cos we’ve already got a Superman – and he’s called Jack Bauer.

In case you’re somehow not as completely addicted to '24' as the whole of the TrustedReviews/Bit-Tech office (Gordon has exempted himself - the spoilsport - ed) {this is much better - Gordon}, I’ll tell you that Jack Bauer is the uber-tough federal agent that’s the central character of the drama that’s famous for it’s ‘real-time’ conceit. But Jack’s not merely superhuman for the way he can take down whole buildings full of terrorists in a single bound - no it’s the fact that his technology always works for him, all of the time.

While most of us hardly bother with the camera in our phone as the quality is usually pants, Jack can take a picture on his Treo 650 PDA of a baddie from 50 feet, and have a picture that’s good enough to identify what the terrorist had for breakfast.

And he can have data sent to his PDA from seemingly anywhere. And he’s been doing this for the last five seasons. Hold on, haven’t they just got 3G networks over in America?

Just the other day I was driving through the deserted outback that is Ascot, when my phone lost its signal and cut off during a conversation. That never happens to Jack. He never says, “hold on, you’ve gone all crackly, I’ll call you back - oh, dear, too late you’re dead.” No, he can get perfect reception on a plane, thousands of feet up in the air. That’s a neat trick. And isn't the use of phones on planes supposed to bring the things crashing to the ground. Really Jack you should be more careful. And not just the incredible reception - what about the battery life? Jack’s phone never runs out of juice because he’s spent all his time downloading video trailers of Lost.

Not only does Jack have an uncanny ability to make technology work for him, he can also travel at unnatural speed. L.A. is a vast sprawling place yet in his trusty CTU van he can get from one side to another in astonishing time. He must have a warp drive powered car.

But if Jack’s Superman, then Chloe is his Louis Lane. The tech wizard of CTU (Counter Terrorist Unit) has geek skills that are as uber-leet as her face is munched up and frowny. If you need a satellite realigned, a VPN pathway opened through a sub-net or a database data-mined in 15 seconds flat and you Don’t Want Anyone Else To Know, then Chloe’s your girl.

No one ‘Opens Up a Socket’, quite like grumpy ‘ol Chloe. One question? What exactly does ‘open up a socket’ mean? I’ve worked around computers for quite a few years now and no one, to the best of my knowledge, has ever opened up a socket. As technobabble goes, ‘Open Up a Socket’ has to be up there with ‘boost the power to the containment fields’ and ‘Reverse the Polarity of the Neutron Flow’.

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