CES 2017 has yielded all manner of technology innovation, from TVs to concept cars. But it’s also provided us all with a load of products that frankly, no one needs. Here’s the best of the worst.
Bloomlife’s pregnancy wearable
“Well, it’s a pregnancy wearable, son, you complete moron.”
What better way to settle your hormones and relax during the stress-fest that is pregnancy than to strap unnecessary devices to your stomach. This wearable from startup Bloomlife uses electrical sensors to pick up contractions from the uterine muscle. It then sends the data to an app for some reason. We’ve come this far without it, but there’s absolutely no way babies can keep being born without Bloomlife’s wearable in the future.
Panasonic’s robotic egg
It’s Wi-Fi-equipped, comes with a projector, and apparently has “human-like movements”. Apart from sounding utterly terrifying, it’s still unclear just what Panasonic’s robot egg is supposed to be. What is it supposed to be projecting? Why is it in the shape of an egg? How can it possibly have “human-like movements”. Because technology, that’s why.
Willow – the smart breast pump
“Look, we need to whack the word ‘smart’ in front of a new product or we’re gonna look like total assholes at CES.”
“Ok, how about a smart jacket?”
“Ah, it’s been done.”
“Er… breast pump.”
“I knew I hired you for a reason, get this to R&D!”
Jagger & Lewis smart dog collar
Do you live vicariously through your pet? Well, here’s a new way to distract from the unending loneliness by strapping some sort of smart gadget to your dog. After all, you like tech, so why shouldn’t your domesticated animal become another way for you to advertise your own interests. To be fair, this will probably pretty useful when it comes to losing your dog, so we’ll give it a pass. Still stupid, though.
Fayet’s smart walking stick
If there’s one thing the elderly love it’s technology. The generation that lived through the war, experienced the rise and fall of fascism, and watched as man took his first steps on the moon have lived to see the real dream realised: a walking stick with some sort of tech crammed inside. French company Fayet‘s cane will monitor nana’s walking style and alert carers if she falls over, or something. What a time to be alive.
L’Oreal’s smart hairbrush ‘The Hair Coach’
We feel a whole new category of unnecessary is required for this one. Basically the Hair Coach is a brush with a microphone stuck to it. Why? Well it’ll listen for the sound of breaking hair and let you know which brushing method you should use based on which method results in the least broken hairs. We’ll just leave those few sentences here for you to ponder.
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Dosime – the Bluetooth-enabled radiation detector
Worried you live within 50 miles of a nuclear power plant? Instead of Googling it, why not invest in Bluetooth-enable radiation detector Dosime? Oh come on it’ll be fun. It’s only $249 and that’s a small price to pay to ensure you finally stop worrying about dying of radiation poisoning. Now, you can arrive at social events and be the envy of all your friends by confidently announcing to the gang that your radiation levels are at an acceptable level.
Finally, some actual innovation. You’ve connected your speakers, your TV, and your laptop to your phone, so why not hook up your hotpants too? These digital Daisy Dukes will vibrate when you’re using the GPS on your phone to help let you know when to turn. They’ll also give you a quick buzz if you get a call or text. Just imagine a future where we’re all walking around in our connected hotpants, smart-pumping our breasts and completely knackered from our sleepless night in the nightmare-inducing smart bed. Technology is helping move us all towards a brighter future, and we at TrustedReviews are clutching our robotic eggs in anticipation.
WATCH: Best TVs at CES
Got any other cool gadgets to add to our list? Let us know in the comments.